Mundo Jazz Blog

Archive for October 2009

telfords crowdOnce again we weave the old Mundo Magic and almost there is riot

You remember now that is the turn of the century in prohibition era in Chicago in 1850, and Skig Beesly is the best in the business. He is walking through the alley, when all of a sudden. BAM! Shooty Macjones is appear.

“I am going to shoot you, but furst I pull back the hammer on the safety catch of my gun and count to ten” say Macjones (his first name Shooty but by now we know who he is so no need to repeat first name). “You are a stupid” say Skag, and he wait until the last minute counting, then he kick Macjones (SHooty macjones who I mention above you will remember) in the thumb. The gun is fly out of macjones (his first name shooty) and land on a small tortilla outside a restaurant. Nobody know why the tortilla was there, is just a piece of tortilla not a whole one. The restaurant probably finish with it because somebody ate half of it and leave the rest on the pavement or maybe the chief was aiming for the bin and then miss, maybe because he have a lot in his hands like boxes and shit. He is wearing a tall hat white with a puffy top like a marshmallow. Then he go back inside and start cooking again and avoid the temptation to play chess on his trousers. But no chess pieces in the kitchen so easy to avoid, just his trousers like a checkerboard.
Meanwhile Macjones is amaze. Is Shooty Macjones, who is the bad guy in the story remember before al the cook shit. “How you kick the gun onto that tortilla?” Shout macjones (first name is Shooty).

“I ama ninger.” Say Beasly. “I am train in the ancient japanese marshall art of yoga in china with a chinese old man.”

“No shit” say Macjones (Shooty to friends) “Now I understand why you got Ninger skills. Is because you are a train with the ningers in china. But you don’t know nothing because I am a cowarly guy so I got my friend stingy hat to hit you from behind now. ”
Then BAM! Stingy hat hit Beasly on the back and he fall down possibly dead?!!!!!?
THe next instalment is coming – who knows what is happen to skig beesly. Is he dead or just hit on the head. I not decided yet YOU the readers can decide what hapen next I got no idea yet. When I try to work it out the frase “Ass partridges” keep coming into my head for some reason. It make no sense fuck knows what is going on.

sheffieldThis evening I “Steel”* the show at Sheffield! At the Cabaret Boom Boom I feel the warmth. I thanks to support act John Lenahan who go after me, a very funny magician guy. People say all magicians is assholes who got no friend so they stay in their room practicing magic all day. But this not true, John Lenahan is OK, but I didn’t see no evidence of friends so maybe he is jsut pretend not to be a asshole first class.

*Sheffield use to make steel. Font of the comedy in this case is it sound similar to “steel” which is what a theives do, like in a phrase “You bastard you steal Julio Ramirez’s wife”. And the reply “they not married so technically you are wrong although morally probably right”.

hindley juniorsThis evening I go to Hindley Juniors full of northerners. Is a football club for kids, but this lot is no kids, I am not stupid. I never seen a bald kid with a beer belly. But even though they is not kids, I think they have a great time and enjoy my music.

Thanks to Janey Southerland for having me, and to mick and Sam for not trying to kill me.

Friends sorry you didn’t win the shat on T-shirt but now you can Win a blurred Mundo Jazz “Fight Capitalism” keyring that we got printed but then realised we couldn’t sell them cos they blurred.

All you ahve to do is write a best poem on the subject of “Fight Captialism” or “Blurred” and send to me your friend Juan Pablo here at the internet.keyring The winners is reveal next week.

x

bird shatThe winner is Danielle. Danielle congratulations you have win a XL Blue T-SHirt that a bird is shat on. Please send me your post adress and I send to you. Please then send us a picture of you wearing it. Detail of the next competition for substandard goods coming very soon!

Danielle write:

The main thing missing from this year’s London fashion awards, clothing with added bird doo doo colouring. Dodo doo doo if you will…

Had the bird eaten blackberries beforehand? If so even better

Queridos Amigos,

People is often say to me Juan you are good at writing a police novel so why not write a police novel. I say to myself “hey, I write a police novel”. So here is chapter one. If you like, it, I do chapter two.

The Detective Police Bitch

by Juan Pablo Colon

Chapter 1: Who is?

It is the turn of the century in the 1950s in Chicago. Bam! The door is kick in. Bam! In come a figure with a Smeth and Wesson AK47. Bam! Is who? Is Skig Beesly, the fastest private eye on the business. Bam! Around the table sitting the gangsters. They got guns, but Skib Beesly is too fast, so he shoot them all. Bam! They all flying around in slow motion sideways with cigars but he also fly and shoot them all SPLAT! All sort of shit is goin on.

Now in this part of New York is a floz lady call Jooly who is not prostitute is one of the womens who hang around all walkin around with a tray for the drinks and black tights and underwear and smoke in a cigarette holder. She now who Skig Beesly is and she fancy him but he not havin none of it becos he is always cool and womens is always try to shag him but he is pick and choose. She bust into the bar.

“ Oh Beesly, why you have kill these gansters?” she say upset.

“Becos they is a bastars” say Skeg, and he smoke one of there cigars cool way. “Is time to tell the gansters there is one law in this town” say Skig “is me the law” he say to make a clear who his refer to when he say the one law thing.

But one of the gansters bust in the door and shoot skig but skeg too fast he kick him in the bolock and the ganster is say you bastar Beesly and Beesly say

“you are the bastars”

and then the ganster say no you are the bastars

and then Beesly say you are the bastar

and then the ganster say no you are the bastars

and then Beesly say you are the bastar

and then the ganster say no you are the bastars

and then Beesly say you are the bastar

and then the ganster say no you are the bastars

and then Beesly say you are the bastar

and then the ganster dead because he have a hart atak anyway.

But the gansters brother is call booch and he hear about the news of his brother dead.

“Who is kill my brother” he ask.

“You know who” say his assistant who call shooty macjones.

“I don’t know who is” say booch

One of the ganster have a hat.

“Is you can guess”

“Jus fuckin tell me I am the boss” he say an shooty macjones is a scare because Booch kil some one in the past with kung fu with a snooker club.

“OK I tell you because of the kung fu. Is Skag Beesly”

All the gansters is shit scared because they know who he is. Is Skeg Beesly.

One of the gansters look sinificant and raise his eyebrow and is a close up.
Find out what happen next in chapter 2. (not written yet I got some shit to do and the dentist an shop then I try)

Today I get a call from Abdel the boy who look after the Mundo Jazz T-Shirt warehouse – he say that a bird is get in and shat on a blue extra large t-shirt. I take it out of his wages. Only joking friends! (as King Leer say, “Nothing comes from nothing”!!!!)

So now we have a blue XL Mundo Jazz T-Shirt that a bird is shat on, and we cannot sell, so is going free! If you would like a free blue XL Mundo Jazz T-Shirt that a bird is shat on, send me why I send you it, and the best one will receive a free blue XL Mundo Jazz T-Shirt that a bird is shat on.

I wipe first.

x Juan

Season of mist and yellow fruitfulness!

Oh is very wet, Oh wet water in the sky

like the sky is crying or there is a leak in the great cosmic pipes

that go across the sky like spaghetti

but spaghetti before is cooked when is a straight and hard not after cooking

when is soft and not hard enough to be a pipe

also is not tubular, so maybe you need some sort of macaroni

J. P. Colon


Mundo Jazz

Juan Pablo Colon, singer of the greatest World Music Band in the World Mundo Jazz. You can buy Mundo Jazz Ethical (TM) "Fight Capitalism" Merchandise at www.mundojazz.co.uk